Learning how addiction really works was a revelation that became a fascination. It never previously occurred to me that an alcoholic’s experience could have anything in common with my experience as a pornography addict. It turns out that all varieties of addiction carry certain symptoms that are experienced by virtually all addicts.

• Emotional hypersensitivity.
• Simple or minor problems often become overwhelming.
• A feeling of ease and comfort while using.
• Intense remorse after using followed by a renewed resolve never to use again.
• Deceptive behaviour.
• Rampant guilt.
• A self-deceptive view of what constitutes a lapse.

One of the effects I’ve personally experienced from studying addiction behaviour is

I was originally going to call this blog post Confessions of a Porn Addict but I was worried I might attract the wrong audience. Ultimately, my story is not about pornography, it’s about addiction. And like every other kind of addiction, my basic behaviour is the same:

Craving
Torture
Taste
Binge
Remorse
Never Again

The warm glow of mental scourging followed by renewed determination lasts anything from a few hours to a few weeks, and then it’s “rinse and repeat”. I’ve heard it said that routine behaviour makes time appear to progress more quickly. That might explain why the last 20 years seems to have gone in a flash.

I seem to have spent most of my life juddering between two states of mind: