Taking Responsibility for Addiction
Responsibility for one’s actions, thoughts, and feelings is a nightmare for addicts. I was an addict. I spent 10 years in a cocaine and alcohol-fueled downward spiral which consumed who I was and spat out an alien creature I did not know, could not understand. In rehab I was told it was my “disease” which caused me to use. I was told that once I had used, my ability to make choices was taken away and my “disease” was then responsible. 6 months in rehab taught me one great truth: That is wrong. Terribly wrong. This article will address my reasoning.
I chose to begin using for many reasons. Unhappiness with my relationships, job, family, discontent with my life in general. I sought out an escape from these problems, and I made a choice to use. I then made the choice to continue using. This choice was a conscious, coherent choice made freely by me. The inevitable problems began, as all addicts know, soon after. I then made another choice to ignore these problems and the worsening state of the original problems and chose to continue using. All my choices.
The first choice brought with it total responsibility for its consequences. The choices made after carried the exact same responsibility. I realised after much deep thought that I did not have a “disease”. I ALWAYS had a choice, even when using. My despicable disregard for myself and others could not be excused by this “disease” because I alone was responsible for making the choice to use or to quit using.
Addicts are done no favors when they are given the built-in excuses provided by “disease” models. Relapse is not a part of recovery. Relapse is yet again another conscious choice to use. When addicts become divorced from their total responsibility and accountability they are led to believe that they are not wholly responsible. They are also led to believe that it takes more than a choice to recover. I was told I needed to keep the past fresh in my mind in order to recognise when my “disease” was trying to surface. This serves only to steep us in the past and keep us in the past as the admonitions not to regret or live in it are negated by the constancy of the reminder of our detestable actions.
I could not recover while I was living within my past. I realised I needed to take absolute and total responsibility for EVERYTHING I had done. Once I had taken this step I was ready to recover, but not until I owned it all. I then made a choice: I chose not to use again. This choice made, I was recovered. The choice not to use is as easy as the choice to use, and it is fallacy to assume that making this choice is not enough. It is enough.
This is recovery from addiction. Once this choice is made, work must be started on identifying and working out the original problems which one chose to escape. I believe this is separate from the recovery of addiction. Working through these problems actively disentangles one from the need for escape. My triggers were the original problems, or rather the conscious and subconscious recollections of their circumstances. These were not part of the addiction, they were the failure to take responsibility in my life and deal with the problems in constructive ways. Escape was irresponsibility.
This led to my choice to use, and the choice to use caused my addiction. Similarly, my choice to stop using caused my recovery.
I have not relapsed in 10 years, have not used in 10 years, and have spent little time revisiting the days of my active addiction. I have made amends where I can, but in no way have I relegated any responsibility for my actions to my addiction. I have no “disease”. I made poor, conscious choices to use and to act irresponsibly. I am wholly responsible. The original problems have been worked out, and I have many tools to deal with new situations as they arise, escape not being one of them. I made the choice to stop, therefore I am recovered.
My experience leads me to give this article as a vehicle for thought. Recovery is made when the choice to stop using is made. The original problems which caused the choice for escape to formulate are not part of addiction. They are part of life. Choose to be recovered and you are. Take responsibility. Actively work on the original problems and do not relegate responsibility to a “disease”. It worked for me, and I believe it can work for others also.
Thank you for the above article! I am really pleased that you brought this issue up and for the record I am in total agreement. But I’m also aware that this is going to raise a few eyebrows. How can a practitioner working in the disease model discipline, agree with this article?
Well really its quite simple. “Addiction” is a word that is widely used but unfortunately it means different things to different people. For example, we work primarily with a manifestation of addiction that we call Pathological Dependency, whereas in this article I’m hearing the writer’s struggle with what might be called “Drug abuse /overuse”. Both of these conditions can rightly be labelled as addiction.
It is a great source of consternation to me that more practitioners do not take steps at initial diagnosis to separate these two very different manifestations of Addiction. Professor C Ericson of The University of Texas at Austin really goes to great length in his writings to emphasise the importance of correct diagnosis before giving any treatment. In the “recovery world” we professionals can often be our own worst enemy. When challenged by outsiders about our methods of work we circle the wagons like old west pioneers when under attack; unlike them however, instead of firing out at the “attackers”, we shoot inward, always saying our way is better than the other fellows.
We must learn that addiction is not a simple malady with an easy “one size fits all” solution, but rather a complex multi-faceted condition. Clients are individuals who deserve an individual assessment of their needs.
Glad you are the other side, for you and yours.
My brother an ex city trader, died from alcoholism in 2010. I couldn’t agree more with your comment ‘Addicts are done no favors when they are given the built-in excuses provided by “disease” models.’ He hid behind that, almost wore it like a badge. Towards the end he no longer had a choice as his brain was too damaged, but for his 20+ alcoholic years I really believe he had a choice, and it was vodka.
I agree that it’s not helpful to encourage an addict to use his illness as an excuse, but we also have to be careful not to go too far the other way and insist that addicts are not ill, they’re just making bad choices.
Would we tell an OCD sufferer that he only scrubs the bathroom floor until his fingers bleed because he chooses to?
Or tell a severe agrophobe that they could leave the house if they really wanted to?
Or perhaps tick off someone with Aspergers, because they could handle social interaction like everyone else if they just tried a bit harder?
Or maybe tell someone with clinical depression to just cheer up?
Illnesses that have their root problem in the brain are incredibly complex. But just because we don’t fully understand them, it doesn’t mean we should pretend they don’t exist.
Good to know a different insight on what really constitutes the road to recovery. We may sometimes have a firm resolve to be freed from our addictions, but if we are not responsible and committed enough, going back to the old bad habit is always a possibility.